I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
