I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
