Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
she looked like the before picture.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
