Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
