I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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