and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i think my mom watched the whole time
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
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