My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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