I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
