Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
