i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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