I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
