I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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