Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Randomize
