IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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