somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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