Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i wish my penis had a tongue
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
