Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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