My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
