It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
