I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize