I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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