some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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