the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
