I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize