I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
