what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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