I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
