he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
