farters have to be the big spoon...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
