I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
