I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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