By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
