Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
