Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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