i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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