My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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