I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
