I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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