I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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