i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
