I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
