toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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