the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
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