He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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