Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
