Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
