mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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