I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
