I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Randomize
