we're chasing vodka with high fives
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
