can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
