i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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