shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
