i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
