They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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