she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
