I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
