Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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