I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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