Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
