ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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