someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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