your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
